This post was not inspired in any way by the two cups of black coffee and the piece of bread I choked down as dinner. The cold (sometimes harsh) reality of being single in this old, intensely-populated city was the one thing that led me to create this possible venue for future self-incrimination.
Still, I write.
I have never liked going to family reunions for the very reason that twenty-something year old females with no engagement or wedding rings do. You get stuck between an aunt and another nosy aunt, or worse an aunt and her just-married pregnant daughter/your cousin, and it would seem that your civil status is another itching scab they want to pry off your skin.
“I’m single” elicits nervous giggles from the younger uns. “I don’t have a boyfriend (yet/anymore/still)” and that’s when all hell pity breaks loose from their carefully made-up faces. Even an uncle can be counted on to retort, “Kaya nga dapat makilala mo na ang kaibigan/pinsan/ka-trabaho ko!” (That is why you should meet with my friend/cousin/co-worker already!) Even a cousin can jokingly add: “Tibo ka yata e.” (You’re probably lesbian.)
Um, just for the record, I am into MEN… and not having one in my life right now doesn’t mean I am not looking or not the least bit interested to find one (not necessarily, THE ONE).
Because I have yet to see the world from the other side of the fence, I get plagued by a barrage of comments/theories, which have ranged from just plain “picky ka kasi e” (you’re so picky) to the well-meaning “I don’t think I know anyone who deserves you.”
In medicine, we usually check on a list of criteria to determine whether a certain patient was sick with a very important syndromic disease (e.g. infectious endocarditis, Huntington’s, APAS and the list goes on).
So, I figured why not do the same for my future boyfriend/lover/husband?
Rule for Diagnosis:
You can only be Ivy’s future boyfriend/lover/husband if you meet:
2 major criteria + 1 minor… OR 1 major criteria + 3 minor.
Major criteria (a.k.a. my non-negotiables):
- He must be a witty conversationalist. Don’t ever speak jejemon, even in text messaging (and Twitter!) or the bear gets it.
- He must be a man-with-the-plan. No to freeloaders, junkies and those who perenially grunt FML.
- He must not be shorter than me, a.k.a. please don’t be a Munchkin.
Minor criteria (a.k.a. the “tweakables”):
- He has short hair and minimal to no facial hair.
- He likes to travel.
- He loves his family.
- He can tolerate my weird quirks, which include and are not limited to food combinations and a few geekdoms.
- He likes reading. Books/comics/newspapers whichever, as long as it’s not Twilight!
- His age ranges from 5 years younger than me (21? hmm…) to 10 years older (yep, even 36).
- He wants to have children and/or pets.
So, there you have it, folks! The way to diagnose a man’s eligibility into becoming my potential love interest. So it could be Major Criteria 1 & 2 Plus Minor Criteria 6… OR Major Criteria 3 Plus Minor Criteria 2, 5 &7! Or other combinations! I’m positive that some man out there would be able to meet them. The list may be difficult to memorize, but you can always click back on this post to measure up your candidates.
If you know of someone or are this someone, step right up… because it’s you I want!
Hmmm caffeine high buzzing away… zzzZZzzz…